JINGLEHAMMER, The legend begins

So a few days ago, I told you how I came to find Jinglehammer. Well little did I know that buying Jinglehammer, and sending him to my friends would result in this.
My friends and I are a bunch of practical jokers, so I guess I should not be surprised at what happened next.

My sister and our friends loved their Jinglehammers. One friend "A" immediately put hers out in her garden, and if he had stayed there this would be a very boring blog.

So a day or two after Jinglehammer was exiled to the garden, "A" came home to find Jinglehammer on the couch watching tv, his note changed to read "Touch the remote and Die". "A" chuckled and put him back out in the garden.

The next night she found Jinglehammer in her bed, and the note read "You go sleep in the garden, Bitch...This is my bed now" ....Back to the garden he went.

The very next morning, she goes into the bathroom to take a shower and finds ....

Jinglehammer and a Rubber Duckie and the tub, Jinglehammer is wearing a shower cap, and the note now reads, "Don't you know how to knock"

She chuckled, and put him back in the garden on her way out of the house.

That night while getting dinner ready, "A" goes to the deep freezer to get out some garlic bread, and opens the door to find Jinglehammer dry humping a frozen turkey. This time the note reads "Yeah, who's your daddy now??"

That night I got a semi-drunken phone call, telling me that Jinglehammer was a perv....I fell off the couch laughing...

So the next morning "A" got up and went out in the garden with Jinglehammer, and real hammer and some 6 inch garden spikes. She then put 8 U shapes spikes all around him, she called me all happy saying that little bastard is not going anywhere this time...

And in the garden he stayed...1 day, 2 days, 3 days...for a full week he did not move.

Stayed tuned for the rest of the story...................

Introducing JINGLEHAMMER

Those of us, who worship at the feet of the Bloggess all know the story of Beyoncé. After learning about Beyoncé, my sister, two friends and I started a diligent search for our own Beyoncé...We spent almost a year searching, we looked high, we looked low...We looked up and we looked down...alas such was our despair at not being about to find that elusive 5 ft. metal chicken. We even contacted people about making us our own Beyoncé, but we could not find anyone who was even willing to consider this.

I had given up all hope of find a Beyoncé of my very own and had fallen into a pit of despair. Then one day I was out shopping, I had gone to Targét (remember the t at the end is silent) and was walking the isles and then I saw it.

It was funky, it was amazingly awesome. It was not as big as Beyoncé only about 20 inches tall, but being that small would make it easier to send to my partners in crime. I grabbed four and ran to the checkout, and brought them home with me. I called my sister, and said I have found Beyoncé’s cousin. I sent her a picture of our new little friend. We discussed names but nothing seemed quite right. Then it struck me. the Bloggess, the Bloggess should name our new little friend.

So I fired off an email with the picture attached, and asked her to bestow a name on the new addition to the family. I wondered if she would answer the email. Would the Bloggess, that quirky wonderful goddess even respond to my email. The next morning, I checked my email and there was a response, she had answered and his name was JINGLEHAMMER. It was perfect and fit my new little friend perfectly. Not how to introduce Jinglehammer to my friends, what note should I send with him. Now to me I pronounce it like Jinglehamma like one would say Jabberwocky, so he definitely has some attitude. So I typed up a the following note:

I don’t knock Motherfucker,

I go where I want, when I want,

For I am JINGLEHAMMER

I attached the note, packed up the boxes and sent them on their way.  Little did I know, that Jinglehammer had more attitude that even I knew and that his exploits would soon take on legendary proportions.

People hide for a reason

People hide for a reason...They are either doing something wrong, attempting to do something wrong, or are so wrapped up in government bureaucracy that they are forced to hide to keep the public from hunting them down and beating them senseless.

I know understand the last part of these very well. I am a newly rated disabled veteran, and due to some confusing paperwork I recieved today I had to call their help line.

After hitting the required 1000 buttons to get through the automated system, and actually talk to a person. I then answer several hundred more questions to prove that I am who I say I am...I mean really I don't see my life as being so fab that someone who pretend to be me....but ok fine...

We know both know exactly who I am...So I ask my question and wait the required time on hold while they pull up my info in the computer system.

I am asked the date of the letter, and then I am told that they sent me a letter at the end of May that answers the question. The only problem with that is I did not get a letter at the end of May. So I say

Can just tell me the information???

             No that is against policy...

Can you email the information to me???

             No that is against policy...

Can you send me a copy of the letter???

              No that is against policy...

So wait a minute...you can not answer my question, because it was already answered in a letter I never received...and now you can't give me the letter....

That was when my head exploded....

I was told to get a copy of the letter that I never received, I would have to take time off work and drive an hour away. Oh yes and you can not make an appointment, you have to go sit and wait.

That was when I reached for the Jack Daniels...I figure that if I were drunk maybe it would then make sense...

Soooo then I asked for a supervisor...Who told me it was against policy to answer my questions, as they had already sent me a letter to address a question I did not know I had, until after I got the second letter....

Does your head hurt now too....GOOD why should I suffer alone...LOL

I did at least get the supervisor to mail me a copy of the letter, so at least I don't have to lose time at work. Of course by this time, I am too drunk to care about the answer of my question in the first place...





            

Its been forever

Well looking back, it has been over a year since I have posted anything. Not really sure why, just nothing to talk about I guess.

I am officially a disabled veteran, although they messed up part of the paperwork, and I have no idea how long it will take to fix it.

'MB" will be 15 this year, and went off to summer camp for a week in June. Easter Seals runs a really good camp for special needs kids and does two week just for kids with Autism. He did well in June, behaviorally anyway. Only two small outbursts, but he did not want to participate in most of the activites. All he wanted to do is swim swim swim and swim. I spent the whole week waiting for the phone to ring, and be told to come get him.

He will go back at the end of the month, at least I hope he will. He was not real happy with me for leaving him there to begin with, so I have fears that he won't get out of the car when I bring him back.

I am going to strive to post at least once a week.

I am quite sure no one is reading this but it might just help me to feel productive.

Take care.

Can you crucify yourself?

Recently I read a story on the internet, about a man found in South Korea who had been crucified. The scene as the police found it appeared to recreate the crucifixion of Christ. He had a crown of thorns on his head, had a wound on his side, had been whipped and  he was found nailed to a cross, with two other crosses one on each side.

Unusual maybe, unheard of no…

Why am I wasting your time with this you may wonder?           

Well if for no other reason, then the last line of the story. The South Korean police were investigating if the man had committed suicide or not?

WHAT…SUICIDE??? How on God’s green earth can you commit suicide via crucifixion?  I actually sat with a couple of friends and we talked about this. We do not see how it would be possible for a individual to drill holes and both his palms and feet (apparently the autopsy found a power drill was used to create the holes) we do not feel anyone would have the strength to drill these holes themselves. Not to mention how could you drill a hole in your palm while holding the drill. Then how do you hang yourself on the cross. You could probably do your feet and one hand, but the second one is going to be loose.

Then of course the conversation turned to, if your friends helped you would it be murder or not.

Yes before you ask, we had too much time on our hands…

Adult card revoked

I read a post today on one of my favorite blogs http://sexandthesingledad.com/, he waxed poetically about how you can have your man card revoked, and that you should never allow anyone to hold your balls for you. This got me to thinking about something I heard on the radio recently.

The DJ was talking about the Blake Shelton, Miranda Lambert wedding (they are both country music stars), and was talking about how he had a college educated female friend who was so depressed about Shelton getting married, that it was all she could do to get out of bed. Apparently she thought they were soul mates and destined to be together. He wanted to know if anyone else had friends like this; people who fantasized about meeting and falling in love with a star, to the point where it seriously impacted your life.

If I had not been on my way into work, I probably would have called in and told him yes I had friends who were like that...WHEN I WAS 12...OMG what sane adult really thinks that in the life that out of 310 million people in the USA you really have a chance to meet and fall in love with a music star.

People like this should have their adult cards revoked....so ALA JR's list of how to get your man card revoked, this is how you can get your adult card revoked...

1. Being so in love with any type of star (actor, music, sports, any kind) to the point where you are wasting your life away following them on twitter, or facebook, and telling everyone that you are going  to marry them someday....CARD REVOKED

2. Individuals who baby talk, exception only if talking to a baby, but must be for less than 30 seconds. Anyone who baby talks their partner, should be dragged behind a car naked over a gravel road...Just my opinion :-D

3. People who make plans with friends, co-workers, dates, etc. and bail at the last possible second because, something better came up...CARD REVOKED

4. Photo-maniacs, other wise known as people who bombard you with pictures, of themselves, vacations, children, either in person or electronically. Exception - pictures of a special occasions that you see once and they are never brought up again

5. People who bombard you with what they consider are cute emails that state you must send them to any number of other people including back to the sender. Not only should they get their adult card revoked, they should not be allow to have access to any electronic equipment for at least 6 months.

6. Anyone over the age of 16 who refers to themselves as a GLEEKSTER, or any other such nickname...

These are just off the top of my head, feel free to add any others you can think of....

Bad Mommy... :-(

I am having a bad mommy day. Today was supposed to be a normal day, go to work come home, do some cleaning, you know what I mean. The USUAL.  No, due to record heat, I had to leave work half way through the day, as they closed the schools.

Now I can understand why they closed the schools, some schools don't have air conditioning, so they have to close them when it gets this hot. I can even understand that with the bus schedules that they have to close all the public schools in the county. However, what I don't understand is why they then have to close my son's private school, which has A.C., and the busing is done by a contracting company.

Oh well, at least this time I found out ahead of time, rather than by the bus company when they were in front of my house.

So I left work early and when "Monkey Boy (MB)" got home from school, I took him to run some errands I was just too lazy to do over the holiday weekend. Now I have not really talked about "MB" before, partly because I am so new to blogging. "MB" is autistic, how severe is a bone of contention between the experts. Between severe and moderate would be a good way to phrase it. He can talk, but is incapable of holding a real conversation. I tell people to look at him as a giant 3-4 year old, as that really seems to be where his development has stalled.

That being the case, taking him on errands is like running a marathon, when part of the course is made of quick sand. I never know when my sweet MB is going to turn into demon spawn. Lucky for me, we got thru the errands I needed to run, and he was wonderful. Of course that might have been the doughnuts and the movie I let him pick out why we were out. I am sorry, some times bribery works.

I would say that my bad mood started on the way home, when he broke the movie, trying to get it out of the case. Then he started screaming for McDonalds, over and over again. So I ignore him, and drive home. I unload my purchases, groceries, and start to put everything away. Meanwhile MB is less than 3 inches from my face, screaming for French fries. When I open the freezer to put the sherbet away he yanks the bag out and I get slammed on the top of the head with a frozen pot roast.

I saw stars and then I saw red. I flipped out; I yelled and then put MB in time out. Maybe I should have gone myself. He yelled in time out for about 30 min straight. We have a rule, he can not come one until he calms down.

Now I feel so guilty, for yelling. The problem is you can never really tell how much he understands in any given situation. So more than likely, I was screaming at a child who does not even understand why I was yelling…

Man I feel like crap….